I don't know what there is to write anymore. My life is so odd and strange and unfamiliar, and yet it has very little to do with my mood swings and medication. My mom and I are hardly on speaking terms since I withdrew from school. Being in the house is awkward and tense, and I just don't know what to do. Do I initiate conversation? I'm afraid to do that because of the potential she'll explode in a rage and chastise me for my decision. I know I'd become more suicidal than ever and probably try to kill myself again. Myself and I haven't quite yet established complete trust when it comes to safety. I sometimes wish I woulnd't listen to me.
I've been spending my days working for dad on a few cases that are somewhat interesting yet somewhat ridiculous. Rich people suing rich people. I also see Rebecca still and that is the highlight of my weeks. After our play sessions, I like to drive to dad's house and have dinner and play with little Olivia. Anything I can do to avoid going home is fine by me. It's as if I have to prove to everyone that I am not being lazy and mopey and a total homebody. I've been more busy now than I was in school because after classes I would come home so depressed I couldn't do a damn thing with myself. Now I'm seeing more friends and last Saturday I went to a frat house with an old friend from junior high. I was around so many people and really made an effort to put myself out there and have a sense of humor. This friend from junior high is a boy I had a lot of classes with and we recently got back in touch. On Tuesday night we went out to dinner with his fraternity friends after walking around downtown for a while.
"Did you guys take a ride in the horse carriages?" one of them asked.
Pause. "No, but we saw one," I replied. The table errupted in laughter, much to my surprise.
After that my friend and I had some coffee and then went to the park and played in the snow. It couldn't have been more than 20 degrees but I didn't care, I was feeling so light and joyful. There was a frozen pond and he suddenly dashed towards it, grabbing my hand as I protested. We stood on the ice and it crackled and heaved. I was bracing for my feet to meet an icy fate, but we were intact on the surface, him holding both my hands and laughing. I kind of got the urge to kiss him but I thought the better of it. I hate being rejected. We shuffled off the ice and walked through the snow, the sky almost a soft navy color.
"Hey Amanda, I bet I can dunk you in the snow." He rammed into me and I rammed back, pushing hard, but seeing as how I'm less than 100 pounds and really short, he had me on the ground in one quick motion. I rested and looked up at the sky, and he suddenly plopped down and laid his head on my stomach, which made me flinch.
"No offense, but your stomach is uncomfortable. It's too hard."
"That's a compliment to any girl."
My life is sort of a teeter totter. Down, up, rest, down, up. Pulling in one direction or the other, with the risk of falling off and having to climb back on. I don't know where I'm headed or where the balance will ultimately end up. All I know is, this isn't the status quo.