I feel disconnected, dissociated, and unreal. This past week has been a whirlwind of irrationality, emotions, and anger. I've become so anxious I'm constatntly sore, as if someone is squeezing my neck and slowly twisting it. My legs feel as though the musles are turning to stone. My headaches are persistent and cause me to be irritable. Why the anxiety?
I decided to withdraw from the University because I can no longer go on like this. I refuse to mull over my assigned reading, trying with every atom in my brain to uncover the meaning of the text and recognize the subject. I will not sit in class anymore trying to pay attention but continually zoning out, feeling nauseous and unhappy, reminded of what it is I am no longer capable of. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of my current state and its inhibitions. I'm an honors student, yet I think and act like a remedial couch potato. This isn't me. I'm the overachieving perfect daughter who loves school and reads nonstop and loves debating the political events of the day. Now I am a disappointment to myself and my mother.
She hardly talks to me, and the tension at home is so overbearing I'm suffocating and walking on eggshells. She is making this withdrawal out to be a decision that will have catastrophic consequences for me. "You'll never go back" "You can't isolate yourself like that" "You can't sit at home" "What will your life look like if you don't get an education?" I thought she knew me better than that. Of course I will go back to school. I want to be able to listen to lectures and take notes and do the reading with the enthusiasm I once enjoyed. I didn't plan on bipolar interrupting my life like this, and neither did she. If it's so painful for her, can't she think of how painful it is for me?
I've lost my college exeperience so far, I've lost friends, I've lost reading, I've lost dorm life, I've lost college anecdotes involving drunken parties and frat houses, and most of all, I've lost my relationship with my mom, who refuses to understand that this condition really is debilitating in so many ways and that I simply can't put a halt to it. Thursday I had a meeting with my therapist and I had asked my mom to come, and she said she'd be there. At 3:00 my dad showed up and we all waited and waited, and she never came. She gave me no explanation when I went home, nor did she explain yesterday morning when I woke up. I didn't see her at all because I dashed off to my dad's and we picked out a tree with little Olivia, and I decided to spend the night.
I now go out of my way to avoid going home. I'll run random errands--"I need some cereal, I need new face cream, I'm going to the bagle store, I need a cup of coffee." Sometimes I just drive around for an hour or so, pretending I have a destination and something to look forward to. I'm a feather floating in the wind like in Forrest Gump, finding somewhere to land, sometimes in the least expected places.
The fact that I repeatedly keep thinking of death is a sign of how bad things are. I've been remarkably good at maintaining a stable and pleasant appearance around others, but at night when I'm alone and in the dark, I can't get out of my head the sadness that is a stake in my heart. I still try not to think about it, all the broken pieces that might be fixed later on. I can count on my dad, who has opened up to me these past few weeks more than ever. It's obvious he needs someone to talk to, and I always feel as though he is trying not to cry.
I have been put back on Klonopin and Zoloft because of the anxiety/depression. My sleep has been sub par, to say the least. I'm kind of in a state of denial still and sometime soon I could have a meltdown. I don't know. I'm only trying to stay alive.
Someday, the thunder and lightning will give way to a warm sunset, I hope.
Awe, my dear, why is life so unfair to you? It's not as if the bipolar is enough, you must deal with the whole mother issue; I'm sure she's a wonderful person, just one whom does not understand. Oh my, I'm sorry to hear this horrible news. Do you think you may stay with your dad for awhile?