Please, not another Christmas like this. Last year was so miserable. Having your mother drag you out of bed Christmas morning and not being able to physically smile or talk is bad enough, but it's worse when everyone notices and whispers behind their backs as if you don't have any ears at all. I'm not full-blown depressed, but it keeps building and then subsides as I have my hyper, energetic outbursts when I go to the world in my head. Nothing feels real or safe; it's seriously melting away and I'm just more and more removed from the catastrophe. I don't care what happens anymore, yet I'm so anxious I can hardly sit still without wanting to cry. I keep thinking about insurance, when I'm going back to school, what my mother really thinks of me, what my purpose is in this world, and how painful it is to be alive. I sort of envy those people who "embrace life" and "live to the fullest." How does one attain that outlook in such an ugly world?
Something is seriously wrong and I'm scared about what's going to happen. I feel this impending doom in my future that I can't seem to shake. More and more I'm wanting to get drunk or take too many Klonopin to escape for fresh air. My brain is decaying, it really is. I want to have an MRI to see how much damage has been done. Honestly, I'm so sick of this that I keep reminding myself I can always die to get out.
Then, however, I fear, "What if dying doesn't accomplish anything...what if there is NO END EVER?" Will I always exist continually with no hiatus or relief for even a minute? I used to believe in heaven when I was younger and how great it would be. Now, I'm scared half to death at the thought of still being. God, is this the lowest I have ever been? Have I gotten to the point where death is no longer comforting?
My hands and head are too heavy to keep going. Life has begun to kill me.
The funny thing about the holidays is they are made out to be such a special time, and perhaps they are... when you are three. It seems for the entirety of the world, all they do is cause anxiety, depression, and frustration. At least we are all in it together, even if some more than others.