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I can't afford to be me anymore

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I'm so mixed right now, like a Spanish omelette simmering in the skillet.  Depressed inside, but also out of my mind with racing thoughts and skewed euphoria.  I get the urge to run away every time I get in the car to go somewhere.  Tonight I made up an excuse to my mother to leave, telling her I was visiting a friend who isn't even in town.  I ended up driving around town, knowing I was burning fossil fuel faster than a Hummer going across the country.  My head was spiraling up to the sky, north, south, east, west, up down.  I was almost frantic for no reason at all.  After a spontaneous stop at Starbucks, I drove my car up through the campus to the foothills, where the Bonneville Shoreline Trail begins and winds itself among canyons that serve as different possibilities for escape and change.  

Yet I am trapped even within the wide cracks.  Where would I go?  I know, in my heart of hearts, that should I decide to pack up and run away in an instant's notice, I would not make it alive to wherever I was headed.  The prospect of definitely having to face everyone at some point would hit me like a knife in the chest, which I would literally want at that moment.  I'd end it all, right there on the side of a quiet highway.  

My mother is still beside herself with "the situation" and my dad is so obsessive about how I'm feeling and the fact that I am a "walking pharmacy."  The insurance will stop covering me in March if I am not in school.  Everyone is sick of taking care of me, paying the bills, putting food on the table.  I yearn for independence, but look what that gave me last time.  I can't trust myself with myself.  Am I forever going to be a child needing special assistance because functioning normally isn't possible?  I still see myself as Little Amanda, in her leotard bouncing up and down on the bed, crying out for attention and receiving it with some sense of disdain.  Little Amanda, who needs to be fed every 20 minutes because of her dangerously fast metabolism and insatiable appetite.  Little Amanda, who falls everywhere and has to get stitches at least once a year, usually in the head.  Little Amanda, who demands more books, more knowledge, more stimulation.  She is a bottomless pit.  

Suffice to say things have improved on the social scene.  I have rekindled a friendship with a guy from junior high and have become a regular at his fraternity.  So many nights I have been out late, running through parks, fleeing from deer at 1 a.m., jumping in hot tubs at random locations with the frat boys.  I enjoy it, but I feel so infinitely apart from it all.  Who am I?  I say all the right, witty things, I flash my smile so much my face aches, and I go out of my way to speak to people I have known for five seconds.  They have no idea what has gone on the past year, unlike my former dorm friends.  It's nice and it's refreshing, but I still feel vulnerable.  At times I feel as though I let things slip off my tongue like ice, and I'll get the sort of response, "Hey, let's chat later..."

My days are filled and even when I am alone I never feel settled or even alone.  I have some sort of purpose, though it's foggy and ambiguous.  I haven't slept in my bed in a week.  I now reside downstairs in my sister's messy, "vintage" queen size bed, lying beside her and listening to her breathe before I take the plunge into sleep.  I feel safe and secure, like nothing can go wrong as long as I am there with her, my eyes closed and somewhat calm.  Sometimes I fear everything and everyone around me is disappearing and I  just don't realize it.  I am paranoid, but simultaneously I just don't give a damn.  

When the world comes to an end, whether it's my world or THE world, I'll be swimming upstream in search of a new home.

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[User Picture]
On December 12th, 2006 08:14 pm (UTC), azelma11 commented:
Awe, Amanda, reading over this I become so torn. From a foreign perspective, the manner in which you write is quite elegant and lovely; as your friend, however, it worries me. I'm not worried about you, per se, but more about your shitty situation. I wish there were something more I could do, other than tell you I love you and that I can (in a way) understand as my own situation is getting pretty fucked up and uncool.
[User Picture]
On December 12th, 2006 10:10 pm (UTC), socratic_girl replied:
Sweet Jilly Jill, it's not TOO bad right now, I guess...I'm just happy to hear from you! It feels like it's been ages! I hope things aren't too bad for you right now because you're too cool to have shittiness! I love you MORE and we have to hang out soon, I have had Jill Withdrawal for way too long now...
[User Picture]
On December 12th, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC), azelma11 replied:
I've been in Amanda withdrawal! It's no good! Things are fine for now, just the normal finals stuff, which wouldn't be so bad if I weren't so fucking lazy with it all, and feeling all stupid. Anyway, I have to stay at home soon, eep! And it will kind of suck as home is not home.
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